I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
