It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
