she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
