How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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