I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
