I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
