I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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