I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
