Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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