he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
