I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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