well most of my day revolves around power hour
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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