i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
