I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
