just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How's work?
Spinning.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
