is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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