Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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