Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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