Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
