I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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