do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
