What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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