mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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