I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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