Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
