So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
