Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
