I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
