Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
