He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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