Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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