Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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