So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
