im six kinds of drunk right now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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