1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
