The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
