then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
