No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
