i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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