If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
