Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
