my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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