tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
