if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
