we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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