well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
