dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
