OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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