mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
