yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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