goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
